Thoughts

Blood Transfusion

For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship.  And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children.  — Romans 8:15-16 

So I was talking with my sister the other night. She was feeling very down on herself for a mistake she had made. She had gotten a little too angry. I knew how she felt because I had been right where she was a few days earlier. We both get down on ourselves very hard when we mess up and then we get this terrifying fear that we are just like our father. It is a fear that paralyzes us and we see no way out. We start to believe we are turning into him. It is almost like there is this dormant part of him in us and the more we mess up we think it awakens a part of that sleeping monster and once he is awake we will be everything we hate. Even though we already struggle with hating ourselves. And if we already struggle with hating ourselves when the monster is asleep how much more lost and hate-filled will we be when he is fully awake.

So we strive not to mess up and not to make mistakes. But that is very exhausting. And when we fail with exhaustion we get even more fearful. We try telling ourselves and each other that we are not our father. We are our own person and can make our own choices. We make who we are. That sounds really good, but deep inside there is this lurking red darkness that reminds us, “You have his blood in your veins. No matter how far you run from the man, he will still be with you because he is inside of you. You cannot escape him. He’s in your DNA.” It leaves us with a feeling that it is inevitable that we will be him. One day. No matter how hard we try.

So as my sister told me her fears that I knew too well, I wasn’t sure how to answer her without feeling like a hypocrite for not believing for myself the words I believed for her and knew she needed to hear. But God took over my mouth that night and He watered my thoughts with His words. Words that as I spoke them to my sister He was speaking them to my soul. I prayed the same was happening to her.

As I listened to the words coming out of my mouth I heard,” You are not your father. Even though his blood runs through your veins, even though part of him is in you, even though it feels inevitable that you will be him and cannot escape him, there is a stronger blood in your veins. Blood that is more powerful than any human’s blood. Your Heavenly Father’s blood runs through your whole body and is more powerful than any man’s. He is good and His good will swallow up all the evil you are afraid is in you. He makes you good. Even though you feel and believe you are not good. He makes you righteous and He will create in you all that is good and no blood from your father can overcome Him. Your Heavenly Father’s blood is so many more times stronger and closer than your father’s. It is His blood that rules your veins and fills you.”

I don’t know if those words helped my sister as much as they helped me. Sometimes it still feels like my blood chains me to my father. Sometimes that fear still creeps in threatening to take over and awaken the monster sleeping within. But with my Heavenly Father’s words filling my thoughts and His blood pumping through my veins, there is no dormant monster waiting to erupt by my many mistakes and fears. The red darkness is turned into red light. Clean, pure and good. And the darkness cannot overcome it.

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